Nightlife, deconstructed

It’s Freshers' Week again, so here we present a night-life overview for the young faces about to reinvigorate our own jaded hearts and minds. These are staples of the Edinburgh club scene, loved to a near-sexual fervour by many. Read on, young person, read on.

First, Itchy Feet. The good news: it's one of the best nights in Edinburgh. The bad: it occurs only four times per term. Tired of the Top 40? Head over to Studio 24 for 50s and 60s pop, reggae, and ska. The drinks aren't brilliant, but who cares? It's Itchy Feet. So, it's very simple. The next time you receive a mass Facebook invitation to Itchy Feet, remember that only the foolish refuse. Get there reasonably early, as the queue is testament to Itchy Feet's popularity.

There is one rule regarding the Big Cheese: do not talk about the Big Cheese. This Saturday night staple engenders more divided opinion than the Israeli occupation of Gaza. Some hate it, some love it to drunken mortification. The cheesy music, the Disney tunes... if you want a silly night out, free from the George Street status anxiety, then the Big Cheese is for you. Be careful as the night progresses though: the dance floor soon resembles a very violent, very sticky mosh pit.

If you really must go to George Street then totter over to Lulu on Mondays for a 'classy' night out. Lulu's does a range of nights, but Decadence on Mondays is a good introduction. The very small dance floors means that much “shoulder-rubbing” soon ensues, and these circumstances are further fuelled by the dirt-cheap double vodka and Cokes (£1.50). The taller person may find the ceiling a little low, so if you find yourself putting your hands up for Detroit, do so with care. The music is a comforting mix of Top 40 pop, electronic and R&B, rendering a rather standard but nonetheless fun night.

Lava & Ignite's claim to fame is that someone was stabbed there a few years ago, which seems understandable when you enter the breach of this behemoth. Unapologetic in its size, gaudiness and dedication to drunken embarrassment, L&I has three dance floors: one pumps the Top 40, another the latest in R&B and hip hop, and the last is a monument to the golden oldies and Disney tunes to which we all turn to convince ourselves we are young and wacky. A few tips: this place is massive and the mobile signal is negligible, so keep your friends close.

If you feel a little overwhelmed by the mainstream clubbing culture of Edinburgh (and it definitely happens), Bongo Club is widely regarded as a fun alternative. Not only does it cater to Edinburgh's clubbers, but there is always an art exhibition or a discussion night such as Sceptics in the Pub taking place. One night in particular, Four Corners, is recommended: the unpretentious crowd and good music (funk, soul, and reggae) are reasons enough to abandon George Street for a night. However, the drinks are expensive, so perfect the art of the pre-drink to save money.

And there you have it. Always explore and try something new, freshers, because nothing is more depressing than knowing how many times Lady Gaga will be played at your old favourite. Have a great year!