Hacker: Resolutions for the sporting year 2010/11

At the moment I’m preparing myself for some penitent chest-banging on Yom Kippur; the Jewish person’s chance to hold his hands up, go forth and sin again for a new year. With this in min, I present some New Year’s resolutions that the World of Sport should adopt so that sportswriters such as myself can go along their merry way reporting good things, like who won what and what went wrong with the Scottish back line this week:

1) The Six Nations should allow tackling again. The kickfests of last year were dull, even if England-Scotland was a nailbiter. Just as the England cricket team and the German football team can poach foreigners to win games for them, so should the Scottish rugby team travel to Australia and ask if people know what a dram is. If they do, and can maul adequately, they’re in.

2) All competitors in next month’s Commonwealth Games in Delhi (coverage to follow - watch this space) should be shown pictures of the lowest caste of India in lieu of hearing a starting buzzer or pistol to really put into context what they are doing. It’s not about winning any more, is it? It’s about being a role model to the millions of people whose lives are awful and without hope. What use is a gold medal, and indeed the 2,000 drug tests they plan to carry out at the games, when cholera ravages the homeless and the caste system is still in force? The highlight of the Games should be the Lawn Bowls, at which Britain are very good, though the Indians are on home turf.

3) Football should go semi-pro. All soccer players should have alternative professions and only play on weekends (league) and Wednesdays (cup games). For instance, Wayne Rooney can clean windows on Tuesday, then score a hat-trick for United in their match against Rangers in the Champions Cup; David Weir, the Rangers centre-back, can ensure the TV is on for 'Deal or No Deal', and then attempt to stop Rooney scoring his hat-trick in the aforementioned game; Didier Drogba can stop falling over and whingeing and get on with his true calling in life, which is plainly to run a call centre in Paisley. Everyone’s a winner, especially society. 

4) Speaking of football, Sepp Blatter and the FIFA rules committee should find it in their hearts, if we’ve been good football fans this year, to reward us with the gift of consultation of TV replays when cameras are at the ground. I speak as the unofficial President of the Ball-Was-Over-The-Line-Ref-I-Saw-It-With-My Naked-Eye-Frank-Woz-Robbed Facebook Group, which may be taken down by the Referees' Union by the time this goes to print.

5) Remove the no-ball from cricket and make all Pakistani bookmakers watch 'Out of the Ashes', the brilliant film about the Afghan cricket team due on the BBC in the next few months (the trailer is on YouTube). Every cricketer must remember that this is a gentleman’s game, free from the corruption that mars other sports. Simon Barnes, writing in The Times, called the recent allegations “sad for all sport”. Whether the allegations are verified or not remains to be seen, but everyone involved in professional sport have an example to set in these economically troubled times.

I have high hopes that the games The Journal will cover will uphold the true values of sport: the extra two percent that makes a champion, the humanity and dignity of success and defeat, the young talent emerging at Edinburgh’s universities and the struggles of those semi-professional sportsmen. To them, obtaining medal or winning a match can matter more than anything else in the world, and that is the essence of sport. Good luck to all sportsmen and women this year; train hard, play harder and live your ambition.