The world of student politics was rocked this week, after Edinburgh University Students' Association president-elect James McAsh announced the termination of democracy and the establishment of a new 'Students' Revolutionary Council' at the University of Edinburgh.
McAsh, who is now to be styled Supreme Students' Commissar and Guardian of the Revolution, is understood to have begun a crackdown on the Labour Club, forcing dozens to flee and form an opposition-in-exile at Napier Students' Association.
A spokesman for the Commissar said: "This is a glorious day for students. We have smashed the hegemony of the centre, and now that they are free from the shackles of democracy students can move forward into a bright new day under the leadership of our eternal leader."
But sources within McAsh's Defend Edinburgh coalition say that an ideological schism has led to the disappearance of many McAsh rivals. Official reports claim that a massive "counter-revolutionary conspiracy", which they are calling 'Attack Edinburgh', has been smashed.
The Journal was unable to contact much of the former Student Council, raising fears that they are being held incommunicado by the new regime.
A spokesman for the University said: "We will be happy to continue ignoring students in whatever form they choose to represent themselves."
As of 12pm today, The Journal is officially to be rebranded Pravda.