Hacker - a malign look at the world of sport
Paris Gourtsoyannis
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” croons Johnny Mathis in the popular Christmas ballad, though not in the version you’ve heard on the Marks & Spencer adverts. While The Journal may have been absent this past holiday season, it’s fitting that it makes its return in early February for this truly is the most wonderful time of the sporting year. No event captures the holiday spirit like the Six Nations: whether it’s the post-Christmas dinner belt-loosening required as you settle in to watch your third match on the final Saturday; the sinking feeling you try to hide as you shake the gift from your gran only to the hear the familiar soft scratching of the Wales v. Scotland fixture inside; or the uncomfortable feelings you get towards that cousin who doesn’t come round often – a solid performance from Italy.
My favourite Christmas cliché aped by the Six Nations, however, is the overloud uncle who comes round every year uninvited, and hits the sherry just hard enough that everyone vainly hopes he doesn’t turn up next time. As per usual, this is going to be Ireland’s year, just like last year, when they lost their first game at Croke Park to France in the dying minutes; or the year before that, when a series of average displays left them needing an impossible 34-point win over England at Twickenham to top the table. The metaphor is best fulfilled by their turn in the 2005 championship, in which after letting French one-cap wonder Benoît Baby ruin neutrals’ hopes of a final-day grand-slam showdown, Paul O’Connell did justice to the drunken uncle routine by wrestling Robert Sidoli to the ground off the ball – but, in front of a sell-out crowd at the Millenium Stadium and millions of television viewers, failed to land any of several punches.
The first weekend showed this year’s edition is playing to form. Ireland were dismal in their 16-11 victory over Italy. Brian O’Driscoll was largely invisible, Rory Best was outdone at the lineout by Italy’s third-choice hooker, Leonardo Ghiraldini, and Girvan Dempsey was lukewarm in filling the shoes left by Dennis Hickie and Shane Horgan at wing, though he did score.
There are signs, however, that others are ready to seize the bottle. The pre-tournament hype surrounding Scotland didn’t last a half, with Dan Parks reprising his familiar role in failing to find touch with the boot, and Chris Cusiter reliving the horror of his performance against Italy as he knocked on inches from the try-line.
England also remembered the glories of falling arse-backwards into the World Cup final, fielding the same team as in their shocking opener against the USA – missing only the spine of Dallaglio, Catt and Robinson, and without their eventual tactical saviour, Olly Barkley – and then wondering at their second-half capitulation.
The weekend’s Christmas cracker, however, must go to Nick Mallet, in what will hopefully only be a cameo role as the new coach of Italy. The promise of the Berbizier era, which saw the perennial wooden spoons of European rugby win away and twice in the same tournament for the first time, was followed up with the selection of a match-day squad including only one goal kicker, David Bortolussi – the very same who choked mightily at the World Cup to let Scotland scrape through to the knockout stages. Two missed kicks turned an away draw into defeat.
Christmas, you may recall, brings about sudden increases in rates of divorce, suicide and depression. A similar study has yet to be put in the field for the Six Nations.
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Beating the metaphor fully to death, Dwain Chambers got something nice in his stocking last week. The self-confessed cheat – who on leaving sprinting in 2006 to serve out a two-year ban with NFL Europa declared that to win the 100 metres you had to be prepared to take performance-enhancing drugs – competed in Sunday’s indoor athletics event in Sheffield after the director of UK Athletics, Niels De Vos, conceded that there were no legal grounds on which to prevent him doing so.
Chambers hasn’t taken a drugs test in two years because the sport’s governing body thought he had retired; now that he aims to return, he could conceivably run a qualifying time to represent Britain.
It is UK Athletic’s prerogative not to select him regardless, and one they will doubtless use as it is their stated aim not to let Chambers, or anyone like him, wear a British vest in competition. However, one has to wonder at the contradictions involved in De Vos’ concession.
Christine Ohurougu faced an uphill legal slog to be allowed to represent Britain after being banned for missing drugs tests by accident, despite continually proving her innocence of actual cheating. The IAAF continues to use whatever tools at its disposal to prevent the Greek sprinter Katerina Thanou, another athlete who has served a ban for missed tests but never failed one, from collecting medals taken from Marion Jones, an actual cheat. South African Paralympian Oscar Pistorious was recently issued with a legal decision by the IAAF banning him from their events for using ‘performance enhancing’ prostheses, effectively shutting the door on any disabled athletes wishing to compete at able-bodied level.
Somehow, resources are being misapplied if contenders are being denied their rights, but cheats are being given the benefit of the doubt.
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